Check in: 413.8

Okay so... I had a binge this week that launched me up 4lbs overnight. I've been on a strict, nearly zero carb path for the past 2-3 days to pull back in.

I'm approximately where I was last week. I did get down to 412.2 this week though. Which was very exciting. Nearly 38lbs! I'm so close to under 400, I can taste it.

I suspect that I will be able to pull out some new clothes when I cross that 400 boundary. My yoga pants will not stay up today. And today is day 1 of wear. I've been drying them so they will shrink a little... but it only lasts for about 4 hours before they are sliding down while I walk.

Today has been really frustrating. I have a friend who is also doing keto. We typically live separate lives. She wants to keep it a secret from all her coworkers. She doesn't want to talk to anyone about it or draw attention to the fact she is trying. I get that. It's a daring sort of accountability to say "I'm trying something," and then if you fail, you do so publicly.

But here's the thing.

If you work hard and eat right and lose 3lbs. I'm so ready to celebrate with you! I'm so ready to say CONGRATS! You look wonderful! How do you feel? Tell me about it! Even if I had a shitty week. Even if I'm not on point. Because my body/life/struggle is different right now and that is no one's problem but mine.

PLEASE be ready to offer the support you need from other people. Today was so draining. She was so narcissistic and competitive. I don't care. We are not in a competition. We are a almost 200lbs apart from one another. I will lose faster based on how much I have to lose. I will lose more inches because there is more to lose. I will eat more calories because there is more to lose. It does not make me better. It makes me think about what is going to work for me.

She is getting obsessive. Wants to show me her food log for every single day. Okay. Show me. Yes. You are doing a great job! You made a lot of really good choices! (Not going to point out that the macros are not lined up and that may be why she's on a two week plateau - feedback is not welcome at this point, only praise). How are you picking your fats? Where do your carbs come from? You are eating some really excellent foods! Everything looks delicious. It's not for me, but it's great! I only ate a thousand calories yesterday! ... I can't endorse that, so I try to observe something else positive. And it kills me inside. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION.

Then when I try to get a word in edgewise about doing lazy keto or my approach to the week. Or how I balance a day... crickets. Nothing. "I love the recipes or else food is so boring. I could never do it that way" Okay. Thank you for your shitty feedback and effusive support (sarcasm). And she's off again, motor-mouthing with details about how she ate things all week - fascinating. What about the rest of life? What else did you do this week?

WHY does this have to be about superlatives? Your app is the best. Your diet is the best. Your approach is the best. It's the only way. And no one else's approach to life or food or goals are nearly as good as yours.

This isn't really a supportive relationship. This isn't mutually beneficial. Am I as frustrating to her as she is to me today? I talked about my Wednesday binge. I talked about trying to play it super strict this week. I talked about my simple approach and how it's difficult to pack food on the bus, so I wind up buying at whole foods instead and I need to break the habit. I talk about starting to grow different plants from seed. I talk about going back to grad school. I talk about trying to get my company to pay for it. I talk about the struggle with the new house and the timeline slipping away from us before we get into it. I try to talk about my medical appointment this week. I try to get a word in edgewise a handful of times and she tromples over it. So I shut my mouth and let her keep going. I hard roll my eyes a couple of times when she talks about shallow shit.

Like she doesn't want to be judged because her car is dirty. I don't care. I really don't. You have a car. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful you are driving. I have no basis on which to judge someone regarding the state of how they keep their car without being a total fucking hypocrite. But I really suspect that these empty apologies "sorry about the state of my car" is just another way to dig for compliments.

"I'll be so happy when I can squeeze into the XL at this store! These dresses are so cute."

"I don't doubt that you will feel good getting into that dress, but I certainly wouldn't say it's going to make you happy. But it will definitely release some awesome brain chemicals." Then we talk briefly about how exciting it will be to shop in "regular stores." Yes. True.

I don't mention that to me it is more exciting to not be close to dying, or ruining my joints, or having a quality of life that is different. So I bite my tongue. She wants to lose weight to look hot. To shop in normal stores. To impress people. Awesome. Everyone has a different why.

But I'm really struggling to be supportive when I'm getting nothing but lukewarm responses back. When do we get to put this competitive behavior aside and talk about the real stuff. The feelings. The struggles. The overcoming. The personal growth.

I don't want to engage or support the behavior I saw today and I need to figure out how to draw that line. Everyone says "boundaries" but no one shows you the methods of how to create them. Gotta figure it out by our next saturday coffee date.

XO,
Nanette

Check in: 413.4

Okay so Dietbets have come and gone. I was gung-ho about them up until I had to start doing my initial weigh ins after a very dehydrating flu. There was no way I was going to hit those metrics. So... another fad tried. Another fad failed. And with it a stupid amount of money.

So onto the next one!

I returned to my nurse practitioner in March to get back on board with accountability. I was seeing scale readings in the high 440's and stopped weighing in all together. I had to admit to her that she was right. I need antidepressants in the brutal pacific northwest winter months. I have been eating and spending myself into numbness. I was approaching her from a very depressed place. Will had been worried because I was saying things like "Why try? Why not just eat myself to death?" and while I am not certain I was serious about death, the desperation was deep and real.

She noted on my return visit that my BP had risen some more. Very strong correlation to the ever increasing weight problem. And that reaffirmed her determination to get me off of estrogen based birth control due to potential clotting issues.

I had recently watched a netflix documentary called Take Your Pills. It had sort of villainized medications and I saw the one she had suggested listed there,Vyvanse. The message I got from the documentary was that all these people around me at work that I was intimidated by are probably all using these mental stimulants or used stimulants to get through law school. Many successful and rigorous educational institutions have tons of kids using these ADD and ADHD drugs to get ahead and the cost is that continued long term usage can cause kidney/liver failure. Long term obesity can cause organ failure too.

I let her know I was open to trying Vyvanse. I had also been reading a lot of information about Keto diets and my friend Mark had mentioned someone's success following that eating plan. I researched it for maybe 2-3 hours and then just decided to jump in. I started Keto the same day I filled my prescription. It was the best thing that has happened for me in years.

The Vyvanse is a game changer. It slows down my impulses. It gives me a moment between stimulus and response so that I can HAVE a thought pattern. Whereas before, if Will had mentioned the word pizza, I'd have it ordered for delivery before he completed his sentence. And my animal brain would eat and until it felt better. The rest of me, just along for the ride.

But now... now it was different. I could say NO. The timing was perfect. The diet and the pills at the same time. I wasn't so hungry that I couldn't rationalize with myself. I wasn't so impulsive that I couldn't make a better decision. I wasn't dying from keto flu because the brand new stimulant was pushing me through. I was mentally in the game... it is a challenge... a budget. 25g of carbs per day. Can I keep it under? Can I reinterpret all the old foods that I had justified and knew the calorie counts for... could I see them a new way that showed me their detriment?

125g carbs in 1 very dissatisfying donut. No thanks.
200g carbs in that pint of ice cream - nahh...
35g carbs in a ny slice - fuuhhhhhhh...

Wait though! That super fancy cheese I love from Whole Foods??? 0g carbs?!?! WHAT?!? perfect. this is a life I can live.

I've been doing Keto since 4/15... about a month and a half. I consider my starting weight 450. Though the actual weight was never documented. I am officially down 36.6 lbs. And for the first time in years I have seen the scale go this direction in years.

Stats that make me feel good.

• My morning blood glucose reading is down 17 units. 
• I am approximately the same weight now as I was in December 2016. 
• My clothes are fitting better, but I'm not yet officially down a full size, but getting close. I have less paranoia about my belly poking out of every shirt.  

I'd like to blog more about this in the future... but I can't make any promises.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Check in: 425.4

Okay so... Here's the sitch...   

I'm starting a diet bet this next month. And I'll be damned if I don't take a proper before picture. Unlike last time, I want one from the very get go, to prove to myself how far I've come. No matter how embarrassing or how much I hate looking at this, it needs to happen. 

Nanette... Your body deserves better than this. Looking at that side view, I can see why your back aches frequently and I know how much you dread that little bit of belly peeking out from under shirts. But on a gentle note, I'm loving that my legs look like legs. my butt looks like a butt. And that my posture hasn't horribly been compromised by all the desk sitting.

I can see why, with all that weight pressing down on your thighs, walking quickly is difficult. Or with all that weight constantly dragging your abs loose, you may not have the breath control you once had. But girl, you got this. You can turn this around. This diet bet may be just what you need to get the ball rolling. We know how fiscally motivated you are.

And let's be real about your investment in change this time around.

Fitbit $150
Subscription to Sweatflix $9.99 per month
Gym membership $49.00 monthly
Diet bets: $160 (January)
Total January: $370.00

You got this.
I love you.
Nanette

Check In: 413.6

Weigh in:

413.6

I'll take it. I was not good about food last week and my activity level - though improving through my new work place - has been low due to knee issues.

This week has gotten past me and I've not been very good with logging. I'm worried I will see the consequences on the scale. Must be cautious. Very cautious.

XOXO,
Nanette

Check-in: 412.8

Weigh in! 

This week: 412.8 
Last week: 413.8

Yahoo! 1 lb! I will celebrate it because this week my weight has consistently been going down... Each day a couple tenths of a pound. I'm fudging the numbers just a little because 412.8 was yesterday morning's weigh in. Yesterday was the women's march on washington. I did not drink enough water so I am discounting this morning's 414lb weigh in to water retention and taking yesterday's numbers. Because that's more representative of my efforts. and fuck you. I need positive reinforcement.

Food goal: Under 1900 on no-workout days, under 2000 on crossfit days.

Well... that didn't really go as planned. I had about 3/7 days compliance. And for that I was rewarded with some loss. Shows that math isn't really everything, but I'll try to keep following the numbers.

Activity Goal: 300 calories of movement a day.
Monday - no. Lots of snow - classes cancelled.
Tuesday - no. Ice storms.
Wednesday - YES! Crossfit + TONS of walking at work.
Thursday - YES! 12k steps on my fitbit.
Friday - YES!  10.5k steps on my fitbit - took a walk to Dick Blick and wallpapered my office.
Saturday - YES! 11k steps on my fitbit - Women's March.
Sunday - Today... well... I've not done much but I've not eaten anything either.

I would say that's a pretty great week... I'd give myself an 80% on that exam. A solid B effort. A effort would be pulling the calories in with no drinking, and meeting the food goal at least 5/7.

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This week's goals: 

Food: 1900 on non-workout days. 2100 on workout days.
Activity: 2 classes of crossfit, 5 days of over 10k stepping.

+ Sunday weigh-in.
+ 1-2 blogs: Stay focused, Nanette!

XO,
Nanette

Building a habit

Hey there, Nanette -

Just checking in with you to let you know I'm still paying attention.

The crappy weather is slowing down my commitment to physical activity and my calories got out of control yesterday.

Let's review.

Calories... 

Goal: 1900
Actual: 2254 (ish).

The biggest calorie sin was the Petit Ecolair cookies. I could have done without. Why did I eat them? I wasn't hungry. Because chocolate tastes good? Why not save them for one of those intense craving days? I wasn't even looking for something sweet. I just knew that if I didn't eat them, Will would. He already ate most of the other box. He's bad at sharing - very first come, first serve. As opposed to my - your half, my half - type sharing.

Activity... 

Goal: 300 calories of something.
Actual: Maybe 100 calories of moving buckets.


I could have done better by participating in more activity at home. I mean, I may not be able to walk for 30 minutes without running into lots of walls, but I could get out the weights or do some body weight exercises. I mean, it's not like you the 6 weeks of crossfit failed to give you tools to get your body in motion at home. Not everything requires equipment.

(mental rebuttal) - but it does require space - this fucking garden is taking over the house. I need some frigging floor space. 

That's neither here nor there, that's purely a shitty excuse. Make space if you mean it.

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Today is about halfway through. Work was canceled due to potential freezing rain/ice storms that are supposed to be hitting this afternoon/evening.

I had coffee, a scone, a pear and a piece of toast so far (897). I'm on an okay route. I mean most of that is carb laden so I need to focus on some veggies this afternoon. Spinach wrap (649) with cucumbers and feta? Snack on carrots and still come in under my calorie goal.

I took a walk (dangerous with all the ice out) to the coffee shop and I will be scrubbing buckets this afternoon which is more labor intensive than you think. When I input the activity into MFP I call it "housework" because it is pretty active. I am committed to giving Will 30 - 60 minutes of that... then doing the dishes.

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Nanette,

I love you. You're doing a good thing for your body. Thank you for taking the time to think through the food and movement stuff. You are worth taking the extra effort to eat healthy foods and to sweat a bit. Hard work for the future you - not just to help Will out - cleaning buckets and doing hard things is for you too.

Working hard is mostly a favor for yourself. Get out there and get it, girl!

XO,
Nanette

P.s. Have you considered taking a photo for comparison? That way you don't have to rely on other folks' opinions about whether or not you're making progress.

Checking in: 413.8

Well...   Time certainly has passed. Here we are 16 months into the 18 month self-challenge and it seems that I have done pretty much the opposite of what was intended.

Starting: 381.0
Today: 413.8

A gain of 32.8lbs. I'm actually pleasantly surprised. Because for more than a years worth of time to pass and for it to be less than 50lbs is pretty good for me. This is also not my highest weight.

Recently, I've completed a 6 week crossfit challenge and joined a cross fit gym. That helped me drop about 6-8lbs (depending on the day). I worked at PS dental where the dentist was constantly judging the food choices I made. I had a coworker, Judy, who would go on 3 day diets and need a cheerleader.

I've checked back in on the blog because I'm in that mindset again. Forgive me that it's January. It's just the timing of all these life changes that have been coming down the pike.

I got a new job recently. I'm working for a law firm - which is completely foreign to me. I've never worked in law before... ever. But I'm starting at the bottom (Department Assistant) and will, in time, climb my way to the top.

I'm pumped about it. I love a challenge. I am also so excited because this image of who I want to be as a grown up is taking shape.

• Job that makes me feel fancy and capable. Where smart is the least you can be and cleverness is rewarded. 
• Work perks including: quarterly $$ bonuses for healthy living, an onsite gym, healthy snacks in kitchens and whole foods across the street for a lunch time shopping trip or deli stop. 
• Two words: Standing Desk.  
• Commutable - Walking to and from the bus every day adds 1.5 miles of walking to my day. 
• I don't have to rely on Will for rides as much (weather permitting). Which means fewer arguments and I don't have a lot of time to catch his melancholy. 
• Also, very near my gym - so the work to gym to home commute isn't taking me all over the city. 
• 9am - 5:30pm hours that make me feel like my morning is calm, that I can be a little early. Evenings early and late enough that I can catch performances downtown, or grab a drink with a coworker, or browse Powell's City of Books before I hop on my bus home. 

It's silly - but I feel free. I feel like I can start shaping my life a little more. I can start making things work for me instead of me having to accommodate everyone else. The meetings I've had with HR reflect that work/life balance is super important for the firm. They aren't trying to take advantage of anyone. They are doing more than just what gets them tax breaks to make their employees feel valued. Is this what it feels like to be valued? 

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Health goals... 

• Lose 100lbs in 14 months
• Process my emotions more healthfully 
• Work on my communication with Will 
• Feel less burden on my joints 
• Feel capable and strong. 
• Hit the quarterly bonus every time. 

So here's the deal folks. I'm still in love with Will. We are crossing year 5 this summer. Some of the magic and romance has died. Maybe an engagement isn't the best motivator. But this bum right knee sure is. 

I am definitely feeling the pinch in my joints and back aches and gristle and pops that I have been warned about. I need to get this weight off ASAP. Not to mention the psychological and sexual effects it's having - but I hope to explore those as we get further into this mess. 

Let's get numeric... 

My goal is 2lbs per week x 58 weeks = 116lbs (with 100% consistency - psh, I'm good, but not THAT good). 

BMR: 2682 according to these people. 2682 x 7 days = 18,774 per week! Now I take things like BMR calculations with grains of salt. Never exactly what they say is happening, so I will round down on calories. 2000 calories on a work out day - 1800 calories on a non-work out day. 

2lbs per week is a 7000 calorie deficit that I need to hit. 

• 3500 can come from fitness (500 calories of activity per day). 
• 3500 can be factored into diet editing. (500 fewer calories than my BMR - Target: 2000).

OR 

• 700 fewer calories (1900) per day 
• 300 more activity burned calories 

300 calories is 40 minutes of 2mph walking

300 calories is 32 mintues of 2.5 mph walking (think 80BPM - I just made you a playlist, Nanette).

300 calories is 15 minutes of using the elliptical (at a moderate "no, I can't talk" pace). 

300 calories is 28 minutes of rowing (light effort)

300 calories is 20 minutes of light bike riding (10mph) 

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Game Plan... 

I would love to get all specific and plan out every week and what should work and then back myself into a corner that I can't change my plans or I get so far behind I give up. 

So let's do this weekly again. 

This week I commit to: 

• Staying under 1900 calories on non-workout days, 2000 on crossfit days. 
• 300 calories per day of activity (easy peasy on crossfit days!)
• 1 Sunday weigh in 
• 1 blog 

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Nanette - 

No one is reading this but you. This is a safe place for a very honest dialogue with yourself. Some discretion regarding your relationship and your job is to be expected. But please don't back down from uncomfortable subjects or numbers. There is nothing to be ashamed of except silence and apathy.

You know that "not caring" is the easiest way to give yourself an out. Don't do it. You are worth giving a damn about. You are worth fighting for. This is your body. This is how you will experience the rest of your life. It's okay to have some pride in it. It's okay to be a little vain. How cool will it be to have this success story? 

I love you. Keep working. Stay focused. Don't let Will derail you. Don't let work derail you. Don't let anyone distract you from your future. 

XOXO, 

Nanette