Check in: 413.8

Okay so... I had a binge this week that launched me up 4lbs overnight. I've been on a strict, nearly zero carb path for the past 2-3 days to pull back in.

I'm approximately where I was last week. I did get down to 412.2 this week though. Which was very exciting. Nearly 38lbs! I'm so close to under 400, I can taste it.

I suspect that I will be able to pull out some new clothes when I cross that 400 boundary. My yoga pants will not stay up today. And today is day 1 of wear. I've been drying them so they will shrink a little... but it only lasts for about 4 hours before they are sliding down while I walk.

Today has been really frustrating. I have a friend who is also doing keto. We typically live separate lives. She wants to keep it a secret from all her coworkers. She doesn't want to talk to anyone about it or draw attention to the fact she is trying. I get that. It's a daring sort of accountability to say "I'm trying something," and then if you fail, you do so publicly.

But here's the thing.

If you work hard and eat right and lose 3lbs. I'm so ready to celebrate with you! I'm so ready to say CONGRATS! You look wonderful! How do you feel? Tell me about it! Even if I had a shitty week. Even if I'm not on point. Because my body/life/struggle is different right now and that is no one's problem but mine.

PLEASE be ready to offer the support you need from other people. Today was so draining. She was so narcissistic and competitive. I don't care. We are not in a competition. We are a almost 200lbs apart from one another. I will lose faster based on how much I have to lose. I will lose more inches because there is more to lose. I will eat more calories because there is more to lose. It does not make me better. It makes me think about what is going to work for me.

She is getting obsessive. Wants to show me her food log for every single day. Okay. Show me. Yes. You are doing a great job! You made a lot of really good choices! (Not going to point out that the macros are not lined up and that may be why she's on a two week plateau - feedback is not welcome at this point, only praise). How are you picking your fats? Where do your carbs come from? You are eating some really excellent foods! Everything looks delicious. It's not for me, but it's great! I only ate a thousand calories yesterday! ... I can't endorse that, so I try to observe something else positive. And it kills me inside. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION.

Then when I try to get a word in edgewise about doing lazy keto or my approach to the week. Or how I balance a day... crickets. Nothing. "I love the recipes or else food is so boring. I could never do it that way" Okay. Thank you for your shitty feedback and effusive support (sarcasm). And she's off again, motor-mouthing with details about how she ate things all week - fascinating. What about the rest of life? What else did you do this week?

WHY does this have to be about superlatives? Your app is the best. Your diet is the best. Your approach is the best. It's the only way. And no one else's approach to life or food or goals are nearly as good as yours.

This isn't really a supportive relationship. This isn't mutually beneficial. Am I as frustrating to her as she is to me today? I talked about my Wednesday binge. I talked about trying to play it super strict this week. I talked about my simple approach and how it's difficult to pack food on the bus, so I wind up buying at whole foods instead and I need to break the habit. I talk about starting to grow different plants from seed. I talk about going back to grad school. I talk about trying to get my company to pay for it. I talk about the struggle with the new house and the timeline slipping away from us before we get into it. I try to talk about my medical appointment this week. I try to get a word in edgewise a handful of times and she tromples over it. So I shut my mouth and let her keep going. I hard roll my eyes a couple of times when she talks about shallow shit.

Like she doesn't want to be judged because her car is dirty. I don't care. I really don't. You have a car. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful you are driving. I have no basis on which to judge someone regarding the state of how they keep their car without being a total fucking hypocrite. But I really suspect that these empty apologies "sorry about the state of my car" is just another way to dig for compliments.

"I'll be so happy when I can squeeze into the XL at this store! These dresses are so cute."

"I don't doubt that you will feel good getting into that dress, but I certainly wouldn't say it's going to make you happy. But it will definitely release some awesome brain chemicals." Then we talk briefly about how exciting it will be to shop in "regular stores." Yes. True.

I don't mention that to me it is more exciting to not be close to dying, or ruining my joints, or having a quality of life that is different. So I bite my tongue. She wants to lose weight to look hot. To shop in normal stores. To impress people. Awesome. Everyone has a different why.

But I'm really struggling to be supportive when I'm getting nothing but lukewarm responses back. When do we get to put this competitive behavior aside and talk about the real stuff. The feelings. The struggles. The overcoming. The personal growth.

I don't want to engage or support the behavior I saw today and I need to figure out how to draw that line. Everyone says "boundaries" but no one shows you the methods of how to create them. Gotta figure it out by our next saturday coffee date.

XO,
Nanette